Here I am again, seeking attention as usual, but a-keepin you up to date with my epic TripAdvisor tour of the C-Word. If you’re new to the blog – where have you been?? Catch up mate!
So, for the two primary cancers (that means, separate, unrelated, new cancers, vs one that started somewhere and chose to have an extended holiday elsewhere) I’ve had in the last three years, I rate them on:
Location
Amenities
Service
Overall
I will return to this.
Sooo – last time – I’d been to the Breast Cancer consultant; alles klar in the C department but wow, was he unhappy with the lumpy patchwork of a botched left boob. I’d talked about it in the last blog; I’m not overly bothered if my 53-yr old fun bags have gone from 36DD to 36 under the quay, with a wonky bit on the side. The carer is a bum man anyway, and, jeez Louise, that’s a wider berth then any quay can cope with. Quay what I mean?
At that time, when we last spoke, there was the prospect of some surgery to alter the look of leftola, the one with the wonky bits. The consultant put it thus:
“I am not happy with the look, compared to your lung scar. I would like to correct it (otherwise your left tit will end up in your right ear love…or that’s what I think he said..)
The golden moment:
“I need to re-open, then inject fat from your stomach to fill and re-shape, and als……………………..”
STOP…
Or rather (channel your Girls Aloud people!):
“Stop right there,
Thank you very much,
I need someone with a scalpel touch,
Hey you, always on my bum,
You won’t be bothered if I have just one?’
Stop riiiiight there, stop riiight there ….etc.
Alright love, I’ve already signed the forms, when do we start???
Well, we started, and then quickly, we stopped. Not that, you filthers!!
We stopped right there. It will become needed, but not now. The funding would be better spent on other things. We are officially NOT BOTHERED.
So from breast, we move to lung. Flippin eck, sounds like a starter at the Fat Duck!
As you know, I had an upper right lobectomy (aka, a third of my right lung) hoiked out last September. Due to lung cancer, obvs! Why did I get that? Because I smoked tons of lovely fags. I don’t regret one; to this day, I massively enjoyed them all.
I will keep banging on about it, but 90% of lung cancer patients are current or ex-smokers. I am a 7-year ex-smoker. 50% of current smokers will get lung cancer; 50% of us will get cancer anyway. This thing will kill you, and it will yet kill me, despite abstinence for 7 years.
Hold that thought, please. I don’t want you doing what I now have to do, for the rest of my life.
Today I had the results meeting from my scan in January.
Guess what: another little thing is brewing.
It’s too soon to say what it is, exactly; we always assume the best, which no doubt it will be. It’s in the lower right lobe; we’re a bit concerned I’m going to run out of lobes on that side — buuttttt – we will deal with.
Back to my Trip Advisor ratings:
| Breast cancer | Lung cancer | |||
| Location | The left boob | The upper right lung | ||
| Amenities | Heart, lungs, all that shit | Other bits of the lung | ||
| Service | Nice at the time, paying for it now | Mr Dreamboat was lush | ||
| Overall | Would not recommend as a place to revisit on same side | Literally hoping for a second bout under his care #awks |
Who's going to get the chicken? 